I just want all the peas to disappear

I started this post back in 2013 sometime...I don't know why I didn't finish at the time. Most likely it was the calling of my four beautiful blessings:). But - this seemed so appropriate for the past couple days. While we were sitting around the dinner table eating our food - Johnathon in a very matter of a fact way just says.."I just want all the peas to disappear". See, for Johnathon the peas are one thing he knows he has to eat to finish his plate and to go play, but he can't stand them...yet the yearn for play time is written all over his face and in this statement. How true buddy..how I wish I could make all of our peas disappear. But as any momma would say I said "veggies make us stronger and our bodies need them to grow. So eat up so you can play."

Right now I feel slightly like how my son felt in that moment. Our peas have been working and mounting up to the point that there seems no end in sight to the amount of spoons it will take to get all the peas off of the plate. Sometimes I  look over and everything in me wishes to go play and toss my peas without getting caught. Yet, I know my father is telling me...April these tasks are good for you. They are molding you, shaping you changing you..but more importantly you're doing what I've called you do to. You want to see the impossible..well first you need to eat your peas..be diligent..be strong..work hard and in my case drink chi tea:). God is so good isn't he. He knows that rule to work hard and play hard. He gives endurance when you think you are done, He shows up just when I might puke with one more spoon full. Writing this just lead me to one of my hubby's favorite verses and is so fitting so I shall end with God's words..because they are truly words of life.So for all of my other pea fighting friends...
"Fight the good Fight of Faith, lay hold of the eternal life that you are called to and have professed before many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:13
Here's some cute pics to look at as I hadn't posted in so long and the fight part just fit it:)!

Getting it together

As most know..I am a lover of all things spontaneous and fun, but as we decided to have 4 kiddos the fun really happens mostly when planned. I am learning to love being organized. This is a trait I do not come by naturally at ALL. I have loathed scheduling and living by discipline. Yet, in scripture it's repeated all the time. Basically wisdom comes from discipline...patience comes from discipline....God disciplines those he loves (ok different type..but still). Eisenstein was one of the most creative minds, yet he was disciplined enough to keep trying and stay focused to succeed. How I want my kiddos to learn to love discipline and stick with it even when they don't love it..but man it's hard to teach them while I'm teaching me!! So, I'm writing this because this week (and yes it's Tuesday) has thus far proven victorious. We have gotten our school work done, I have charted the kiddos on chores, we have read every night, taken baths, had meals cleaned house and currently all of my laundry is still done and put up since Sunday (with only currently 1 to 2 loads per day)..and yet with this discipline we have had a time to have fun. We went to the park today to work on some of our homework...of course admittedly I'm horrible at saying stay there at the table and work while there are swings and fun stuff around..but we finished up this evening after karate. We have carved two pumpkins in our play time. Saturday I planned a day of fun to go hiking, then off to the parsons science museum for pirate day and to the park...of course burger king had to be in there too:). Planned a day. That's new to me and I must say it's working. Like I'm shocked scripture is right along with every productive person study I know. But really...it's taken me this long to get on board. Maybe having the 4th kiddo finally did me in or realizing I couldn't just wing it and make it anymore. Or that my old lifestyle fit my old life and that's not what I or my family need in this new life we are creating. So, here's to discipline and schedules and the hopes I can carry on for the rest of the week victoriously...then maybe I'll venture for a month and it's 21 days to habit, right? Who knew?:)

Lost get Found

2013 has been a year of turmoil. It's been a fight. Literally.
Starting with overwhelmed anxiety, body pain that was unbearable, going to fear and depression, totally lost then came the anger and I felt so hopelessness and alone. I wanted to give up give in. God held me then but I didn't feel it. I always knew it though.. that's what kept me going..but I couldn't feel him, I couldn't feel anything. That's one of the reasons this trial was so incredibly tough.
My emotions (and if you know me at all you know that basically makes up my personality) were gone. I didn't care, I didn't love, I didn't have joy or peace or perseverance...I really thought at one point I had lost myself and had no idea what God wanted by destroying me this way. I felt so lost. I didn't know where to go. I tried running, I tried doctors (like 50), I tried all natural stuff, I tried faking, I tried..I tried. Then I gave up. Literally..I went willingly to a mental institute. If you've never been it's quite an experience. I started with these words to my nurse..."I'm normal..I promise..I have a husband four kiddos a life I know I want..I just can't sleep (I was going on 20 days) and I need help to pass out and live"..as the guy in the corner is rambling and a woman is having a seizure on  the floor. I learned compassion.
 My friends..we are blessed. If you live in a house that you don't fear, if you haven't been trying to get off drugs for years, if you have someone who cares enough to listen...if you are healthy enough to get up on your own..we are blessed. I learned that in the mental institute.
 I learned gratitude.

I have always been able to do pretty much anything on my own and if I couldn't I would figure it out. There truly hadn't been anything I couldn't conquer or do. I was confident. Then this year I became shaken. Yet I've learned a new confidence, one that in strong. Because I know who I am and who God is and I'm not getting the two confused.
I learned humility.
Before all of this I used to think if you are depressed, get over it. You're not starving in Africa. If you have anxiety, stop worrying (easy enough;), If you are sick, get to a doctor and get well. Take control of your life...wow was I knocked upside down. Guess what. Sometimes I can't, sometimes you can't, sometimes there aren't answers or cures or a way out even when you have fought and worked your butt off to do it on your own. I needed help...and yelp still do. I needed a God big enough.. friends strong enough... family forgiving and loving enough to handle me broken tore up and lost. I'm still finding my way and as 2013 gives way to 2014.
I am hopeful.
Because I've seen grace, forgiveness and even forgetfulness. I've seen a bigger God than my circumstances. I don't know why, Job didn't ever know why, the disciples didn't want harm, my friend didn't ask for cancer, my son's friend should have had a long life, my friend's mom was taken and I should have had time to get to know her but you know what.. as much as I used to feel like I had this right to ask for total justice- to ask and expect answers...I used to even think those would be my first questions in heaven. I now see things so very differently. Don't get me wrong I still get angry over those (but that's for another post). My first words in heave will frankly not be. I will be bowing down in worship
I learned Faith.
I don't understand. I won't. I'm still going to doctors trying to figure out my body. One thing I've found out is it is so complex...do you realize how many tests you have to go through to rule out one thing after another?! God made it..I'm sorry no monkey could have transformed into this complex of a system that sometimes just drives me crazy in pain. God owns it. He can do what he wants. God loves me. I truly do believe God's heart is for us we just need to get on board..so my question of the day is what has God asked of me or asked of you..but to live justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God...I think I've got the humble part now:).  I would post pics, but this time around it would be all self photos and some were really scary..so I'll post pics of some of the friends and family that got my family through a crazy time in our lives. Thank you to all who have been on this rollercoaster with me. Your faith strength calls and hugs have held me. If you don't see your pic up...know it's not b/c I don't love you or don't remember what you did, it's just I don't have a pic available.  If you're reading this know God has you, he loves you and he will get you through

Anger

I know I've been going deep here..but tis my season in life it seams. Although I must say I'm seeing light at the end of this tunnel and thankful for a God who loves me past my human understanding and gives me grace when I react as a child which you might think by the end of this post. I've never been a person to get angry often. I love to debate (till I met my man who whops me everytime..so not so much fun anymore:) I enjoy wrestling (till my little bro joined the army then came back and whopped my butt:) I love competition. But even when I lost anger really didn't get in my way...until now. It's one of the emotions I had never really understood. I always was amazed how guys (Griffin:) could literally break a tennis racket just because of a lost game or someone throws dishes just because she's frustrated. Now I understand. Anger sweeps you. It touches your core. Just like sadness does as you cry or joy does as I feel race to embrace a friend....anger makes you move. Then comes the choice. But I'll get back to that in a minute.
Aha..you might ask..what has made me angry. Here's my answer..as un-Christian as it sounds. DEATH. I know scripture. I know to live is Christ to die is gain...but here's my problem. Sin is what caused death and I'm actually angry at Adam and Eve...stupid people. Why ruin an amazing thing? You've got a garden you never have to see die, a lover you never see sick, a God who visibly and audiably cares for you, animals as pets you can ride on...really? An apple?? Come on. Everyone says..well if it was you it would have happened too...and yes maybe so..but maybe now because I'm getting "older" I'm just being enlightened to the true devestation of sin. Of their sin..of our sin..of the worlds sin..of sickness...of loss..grief. If it was me I hope I would stuff that apple down the serpent's throat till he choked..then let almighty God deal with him. The first death was simple. Our turtle dies..sounds normal right. Almost like ok, get over it. But it made my son ball up, Evelyn's eyes were so red, Alivia didn't even really get it but because she saw her brother and sister in pain she starts wailing too. So, as I'm in the back yard, trying to dig a hole in the ridiculously hard ground and I become angered. Not at my kiddos but that they have to be hurt this way... (by the way I could never get the hole dug..I actually called Robert on an emergency to come home because we had been out there crying histerically for almost an hour and I still couldn't get Sammy buried so we could start the healing process and leave the grieving).
 Next death was harder. I wasn't expecting it. Maybe because Robert and I always thought we had time and were very much expecting this sort of great future where his dad and stepmom move back to Parsons in just a few years(only about 15 min from us) and we actually get the chance to know them and our kiddos get to hug and love and build a relationship with my husband's dad, one he didn't really get to have. Then in November of last year we get a call. It's a brain tumor. It's so progressive that he's gone before I'm even healed up from my own issues enough to see him again. Robert is still running the house and I'm not close to being strong yet. Robert can't leave, I can't handle the trip. His dad is dying and I'm angry. Why now? Why not give him the years he worked his tail off for? We wanted to get to know him...we needed to get to know him. The last time my kiddos saw them they had just had a blast! He had played video games with him in this little café in Parsons. We talked, had real fellowship. I wanted that so badly, not even so much for me, but for my love. My heart ached, but I was angry at what could have been...and that he had missed so much. Enraged that there wasn't a time for catch up or a second round. He was gone before we got to say goodbye.
Then we lost Gummy. Right after Christmas she was placed in the hospital unfairly. She shouldn't have had to go so soon. My best bud shouldn't have had to say goodbye so quickly...even though we all knew demisia is a long goodbye the end came so fast. Not enough time, not enough memories. I'm thankful for the legacy she left behind in her kids, her grandkids, myself, my husband, my kiddos. She touched so many in so many ways. As I gathered at the hospital and held the hands of my dear sisters I was struck with sorrow and anger. Why now, why this way, why here in this place? Why not at home? She deserved that didn't she?
I didn't understand in the storm that this was one of the major battles I was fighting..but it is crystal clear now. I didn't understand because I hadn't felt that before. Everything, every situation seemed unfair, unjustified. My dear friend is stuck in a hospital dealing with cancer with a baby and amazing boy and husband at home. Two boys drowned in the lake. Friends have children that are sick. One friend ours wakes up to find her oldest son has passed away in the middle of the night..leaving his three little siblings behind. After going to 3 very unexpected funerals in the matter of a few months I'm left with...Why?
I read through Job. I understand it and I guess when it comes down to it I'm not mad at God..I'm angry with man. With sin and with the price that had to be paid. I'm angry that this is the path Adam and Eve chose. I was frustrated with this world because honestly before this year, I really liked it here. I'm blessed, and pretty much before this past year the people around me and our family were pretty much happy and at peace. We were in the mountain tops and really didn't even know it...till we were dropped in the valley and the ground was quick sand. And that's how it feels...like everywhere around me we are all being swallowed by quicksand. Yet, as we trudge through it I'm learning truths..not just memorizing them or have them as a saying on the wall, but really have them engrained within my soul. In no certain order and I'm sure there are many left out..here are a few that stick out.  Truth 1: Life is precious USE IT! Don't sit on a couch too long or wallow too long...don't waste it!  Truth 2: Know the truth for yourself (if you don't know what would happen to you if you died..find out!) Truth 3: Love is Action and sometimes it's just being there. Literally sitting in a room is just as important as speaking and bringing gifts Truth 4: Choose bitterness or peace..it really is a choice Hope you choose peace. Truth 4: Try too live without regrets as much as possible. That's without sin as far as I'm concerned. Truth 5: Forgive as often as you can, because you and I will both need it and it makes life much more enjoyable. Truth 6: Let go of the anger after it is understood and justifiably dealt with. See it for what it is and choose to Let Go. Truth 8: It's a song..but truly " love is the answer" when all is said and done I want to know that I have loved well in action in words and in the silence. For all of the ones we have lost and for this broken world I continue to live in. I will continue to pray, to fight and to love until we see Christ.  "but what does God require of me? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God" Micah 6:8

Vivianne Karese Lewis

Here's a very happy post dedicated to my little bottle of sunshine..Vivianne Karese! Her name means alive in God's grace..and she has definately been that! This girl has survived and flourished through a very crazy year..her first year and my insane meltdown:)! She has handled it with love and kisses. She has slept through the night since 4 months old:)..she has a heart that loves everyone; it didn't matter who held her she just loved them and that is a gift my friends! Her bright blue eyes and smile make me laugh and there is never any judgement there. Thank you for being my angel honey through this season! I look forward to watching your toddle go to a run and your gaga's come into words. You are amazing and I can't wait to see what our Lord has planned for you. Love ya - Momma

Family

When I think about my greatest success in this life one word comes to mind..family. Ironically the word family also comes to mind when I think of my greatest failures. For who knows my joys, sorrows, weaknesses and strengths more than my husband and my 3 kids? It's humbling to think about all the times I have not been in attitude or action what I should have been...reflecting Christ at all times. Yet I can so easily get prideful on the times that we shine...where I literally say in my heart - yes that's exactly where when and how the situation should have been handled and Christ was glorified! Hallelujah! What an amazing journey it is to be part of a family. What a challenge it is to help lead one! I truly don't think anything can come close to molding us more like Christ than being an active part of our family if we allow it.
 When we took these family pictures I was more on the failure side of family hood. Dressing the kiddos, getting everyone fed, trying to beat the heat and get to the location on time had left me stressed and irritated over something that didn't need to be...yet when I look at them in these pictures I can't help but just see love. I see my steady man by my side, my beautiful kids forgiving my impatience and loving me like God does and the beautiful blessing inside me that is God's way of saying..I believe in you, you are more..I have you.. lean on me.. quite your spirit and look around. You are blessed beyond measure. So..thank you to my tiny treasures who will one day read this..I love you my loves. To my man.. I'm sorry my shortcomings show themselves so often...thank you for your steadfastness and love... I love you more than those words are capable of expressing. And thank you Lord for your gentle yet firm ways of always giving me opportunities again and again to show you off by humbling myself and allowing your character to mold me. You are my God and I praise you!

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