Aha..you might ask..what has made me angry. Here's my answer..as un-Christian as it sounds. DEATH. I know scripture. I know to live is Christ to die is gain...but here's my problem. Sin is what caused death and I'm actually angry at Adam and Eve...stupid people. Why ruin an amazing thing? You've got a garden you never have to see die, a lover you never see sick, a God who visibly and audiably cares for you, animals as pets you can ride on...really? An apple?? Come on. Everyone says..well if it was you it would have happened too...and yes maybe so..but maybe now because I'm getting "older" I'm just being enlightened to the true devestation of sin. Of their sin..of our sin..of the worlds sin..of sickness...of loss..grief. If it was me I hope I would stuff that apple down the serpent's throat till he choked..then let almighty God deal with him. The first death was simple. Our turtle dies..sounds normal right. Almost like ok, get over it. But it made my son ball up, Evelyn's eyes were so red, Alivia didn't even really get it but because she saw her brother and sister in pain she starts wailing too. So, as I'm in the back yard, trying to dig a hole in the ridiculously hard ground and I become angered. Not at my kiddos but that they have to be hurt this way... (by the way I could never get the hole dug..I actually called Robert on an emergency to come home because we had been out there crying histerically for almost an hour and I still couldn't get Sammy buried so we could start the healing process and leave the grieving).
Next death was harder. I wasn't expecting it. Maybe because Robert and I always thought we had time and were very much expecting this sort of great future where his dad and stepmom move back to Parsons in just a few years(only about 15 min from us) and we actually get the chance to know them and our kiddos get to hug and love and build a relationship with my husband's dad, one he didn't really get to have. Then in November of last year we get a call. It's a brain tumor. It's so progressive that he's gone before I'm even healed up from my own issues enough to see him again. Robert is still running the house and I'm not close to being strong yet. Robert can't leave, I can't handle the trip. His dad is dying and I'm angry. Why now? Why not give him the years he worked his tail off for? We wanted to get to know him...we needed to get to know him. The last time my kiddos saw them they had just had a blast! He had played video games with him in this little café in Parsons. We talked, had real fellowship. I wanted that so badly, not even so much for me, but for my love. My heart ached, but I was angry at what could have been...and that he had missed so much. Enraged that there wasn't a time for catch up or a second round. He was gone before we got to say goodbye.
Then we lost Gummy. Right after Christmas she was placed in the hospital unfairly. She shouldn't have had to go so soon. My best bud shouldn't have had to say goodbye so quickly...even though we all knew demisia is a long goodbye the end came so fast. Not enough time, not enough memories. I'm thankful for the legacy she left behind in her kids, her grandkids, myself, my husband, my kiddos. She touched so many in so many ways. As I gathered at the hospital and held the hands of my dear sisters I was struck with sorrow and anger. Why now, why this way, why here in this place? Why not at home? She deserved that didn't she?
I didn't understand in the storm that this was one of the major battles I was fighting..but it is crystal clear now. I didn't understand because I hadn't felt that before. Everything, every situation seemed unfair, unjustified. My dear friend is stuck in a hospital dealing with cancer with a baby and amazing boy and husband at home. Two boys drowned in the lake. Friends have children that are sick. One friend ours wakes up to find her oldest son has passed away in the middle of the night..leaving his three little siblings behind. After going to 3 very unexpected funerals in the matter of a few months I'm left with...Why?
I read through Job. I understand it and I guess when it comes down to it I'm not mad at God..I'm angry with man. With sin and with the price that had to be paid. I'm angry that this is the path Adam and Eve chose. I was frustrated with this world because honestly before this year, I really liked it here. I'm blessed, and pretty much before this past year the people around me and our family were pretty much happy and at peace. We were in the mountain tops and really didn't even know it...till we were dropped in the valley and the ground was quick sand. And that's how it feels...like everywhere around me we are all being swallowed by quicksand. Yet, as we trudge through it I'm learning truths..not just memorizing them or have them as a saying on the wall, but really have them engrained within my soul. In no certain order and I'm sure there are many left out..here are a few that stick out. Truth 1: Life is precious USE IT! Don't sit on a couch too long or wallow too long...don't waste it! Truth 2: Know the truth for yourself (if you don't know what would happen to you if you died..find out!) Truth 3: Love is Action and sometimes it's just being there. Literally sitting in a room is just as important as speaking and bringing gifts Truth 4: Choose bitterness or peace..it really is a choice Hope you choose peace. Truth 4: Try too live without regrets as much as possible. That's without sin as far as I'm concerned. Truth 5: Forgive as often as you can, because you and I will both need it and it makes life much more enjoyable. Truth 6: Let go of the anger after it is understood and justifiably dealt with. See it for what it is and choose to Let Go. Truth 8: It's a song..but truly " love is the answer" when all is said and done I want to know that I have loved well in action in words and in the silence. For all of the ones we have lost and for this broken world I continue to live in. I will continue to pray, to fight and to love until we see Christ. "but what does God require of me? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God" Micah 6:8
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