Starting with overwhelmed anxiety, body pain that was unbearable, going to fear and depression, totally lost then came the anger and I felt so hopelessness and alone. I wanted to give up give in. God held me then but I didn't feel it. I always knew it though.. that's what kept me going..but I couldn't feel him, I couldn't feel anything. That's one of the reasons this trial was so incredibly tough.
My emotions (and if you know me at all you know that basically makes up my personality) were gone. I didn't care, I didn't love, I didn't have joy or peace or perseverance...I really thought at one point I had lost myself and had no idea what God wanted by destroying me this way. I felt so lost. I didn't know where to go. I tried running, I tried doctors (like 50), I tried all natural stuff, I tried faking, I tried..I tried. Then I gave up. Literally..I went willingly to a mental institute. If you've never been it's quite an experience. I started with these words to my nurse..."I'm normal..I promise..I have a husband four kiddos a life I know I want..I just can't sleep (I was going on 20 days) and I need help to pass out and live"..as the guy in the corner is rambling and a woman is having a seizure on the floor. I learned compassion.
My friends..we are blessed. If you live in a house that you don't fear, if you haven't been trying to get off drugs for years, if you have someone who cares enough to listen...if you are healthy enough to get up on your own..we are blessed. I learned that in the mental institute.
I learned gratitude.
I have always been able to do pretty much anything on my own and if I couldn't I would figure it out. There truly hadn't been anything I couldn't conquer or do. I was confident. Then this year I became shaken. Yet I've learned a new confidence, one that in strong. Because I know who I am and who God is and I'm not getting the two confused.
I learned humility.
Before all of this I used to think if you are depressed, get over it. You're not starving in Africa. If you have anxiety, stop worrying (easy enough;), If you are sick, get to a doctor and get well. Take control of your life...wow was I knocked upside down. Guess what. Sometimes I can't, sometimes you can't, sometimes there aren't answers or cures or a way out even when you have fought and worked your butt off to do it on your own. I needed help...and yelp still do. I needed a God big enough.. friends strong enough... family forgiving and loving enough to handle me broken tore up and lost. I'm still finding my way and as 2013 gives way to 2014.
I am hopeful.
Because I've seen grace, forgiveness and even forgetfulness. I've seen a bigger God than my circumstances. I don't know why, Job didn't ever know why, the disciples didn't want harm, my friend didn't ask for cancer, my son's friend should have had a long life, my friend's mom was taken and I should have had time to get to know her but you know what.. as much as I used to feel like I had this right to ask for total justice- to ask and expect answers...I used to even think those would be my first questions in heaven. I now see things so very differently. Don't get me wrong I still get angry over those (but that's for another post). My first words in heave will frankly not be. I will be bowing down in worship
I learned Faith.
I don't understand. I won't. I'm still going to doctors trying to figure out my body. One thing I've found out is it is so complex...do you realize how many tests you have to go through to rule out one thing after another?! God made it..I'm sorry no monkey could have transformed into this complex of a system that sometimes just drives me crazy in pain. God owns it. He can do what he wants. God loves me. I truly do believe God's heart is for us we just need to get on board..so my question of the day is what has God asked of me or asked of you..but to live justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God...I think I've got the humble part now:). I would post pics, but this time around it would be all self photos and some were really scary..so I'll post pics of some of the friends and family that got my family through a crazy time in our lives. Thank you to all who have been on this rollercoaster with me. Your faith strength calls and hugs have held me. If you don't see your pic up...know it's not b/c I don't love you or don't remember what you did, it's just I don't have a pic available. If you're reading this know God has you, he loves you and he will get you through
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